Two hoodlums, Trigger (Mickey Rooney) & Leo (Dick Emery) are hired by the unscrupulous J.K. (Peter Cook) to kidnap his niece Victoria (Alexandra Bastedo). The daughter of a wealthy businessman has been kidnapped, and the chief of police, under a lot of pressure to find her as soon as possible, assigns officers Kopek (John Candy) and Broom (Lawrence Dane) to track her down and bring her back safe and sound.

A filmmaker is upset to find out that his wholesome script about an orphan and his dog has been warped into a film about strippers.

Kate Soffel is married to a prison warden in Pittsburgh, and is the mother of their four children. Ed Biddle is a convicted murderer awaiting execution on death row with his brother Jack. When Kate meets Eddie through her Bible readings to the prisoners, she is drawn to him, and they pursue a clandestine relationship. She agrees to help the brothers escape, and begins a treacherous journey with them to freedom in Canada.

37-year-old Italian-American widow Loretta Castorini believes she is unlucky in love, and so accepts a marriage proposal from her boyfriend Johnny, even though she doesn't love him. When she meets his estranged younger brother Ronny, an emotional and passionate man, she finds herself drawn to him. She tries to resist, but Ronny, who blames his brother for the loss of his hand, has no scruples about aggressively pursuing her while Johnny is out of the country. As Loretta falls for Ronny, she learns that she's not the only one in her family with a secret romance.

Maria (Carol Kane) is the wife of a murdered Mafia bookkeeper. With her baby in tow, she tracks the hitman to the airport, intending to shoot the man. A pickpocket causes the gun to discharge prematurely, and now it's Maria who is being pursued. She commandeers a cab driven by Ernie (Judge Reinhold), and the chase is on.

Don Vito Leoni, the Godfather, is clinically depressed. The world has changed and he hasn't. He'd like to retire, but if he left the "family business" to his two idiot sons, they'd be dead in a minute. So he decides to go legit, which convinces everyone that he must be completely off the deep end. To preserve their cushy lives, his dysfuntional family conspires to get him some psycho-therepy. So his boys kidnap a "piasan" shrink and order him to "fix" their father. This film, which premired on Showtime, pre-dated the very similarly plotted "Analyze This" by over a year.